Post by trapper7 on Jul 16, 2010 13:02:03 GMT -5
This is thanks for all the educational e-mails I've received over the past years.....
I no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel, or have the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.
I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking one's nose.
Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.
I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom.
I now have to use a wet sponge to wet an envelope because of the one about rat poop in the glue on envelopes.
I now have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.
I'm broke, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 Bill Gates/Microsoft are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program./
I no longer have to worry about my soul because I have 3,000 angels looking out for me, and St Theresa's Novena has granted my every wish.
I can't eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers.
I can't use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.
I realize now that my prayers will only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish in five minutes.
I learned Coca Cola is dangerous to drink because it can remove toilet stains.
I no longer buy gas without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer doesn't crawl into my back seat when I'm filling up.
I no longer drink Pepsi since the people who make it are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.
I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes 7 different types of cancer.
I no longer go to shopping malls because someone may drug me a with a perfume sample and rob me.
I no longer receive packages from UPS or Fed Ex since they are actually Al-Qaeda agents in disguise.
I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which will get me a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.
I no longer need to buy Nieman-Marcus' cookies since I now have their recipe.
I don't use anyone's toilet but mine because a black snake could be lurking under the seat and cause me instant death when it bites my rear end.
I never pick up a coin dropped in a parking lot because it was probably placed there by a sex molester waiting to grab me as I bend over.
I'm thinking of stopping driving my car because buying gas from some companies suports Al Qaeda and buying from all the others supports South American dictators.
I'm still working on e-mailing this to 144,000 people so a large dove with diarrhea won't land on my head at 5:00 PM tomorrow afternoon, and the fleas from 120 camels won't infest my back, causing me to grow a hairy lump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's best friend's beautician.
I no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel, or have the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.
I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking one's nose.
Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.
I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom.
I now have to use a wet sponge to wet an envelope because of the one about rat poop in the glue on envelopes.
I now have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.
I'm broke, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 Bill Gates/Microsoft are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program./
I no longer have to worry about my soul because I have 3,000 angels looking out for me, and St Theresa's Novena has granted my every wish.
I can't eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers.
I can't use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.
I realize now that my prayers will only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish in five minutes.
I learned Coca Cola is dangerous to drink because it can remove toilet stains.
I no longer buy gas without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer doesn't crawl into my back seat when I'm filling up.
I no longer drink Pepsi since the people who make it are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.
I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes 7 different types of cancer.
I no longer go to shopping malls because someone may drug me a with a perfume sample and rob me.
I no longer receive packages from UPS or Fed Ex since they are actually Al-Qaeda agents in disguise.
I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which will get me a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.
I no longer need to buy Nieman-Marcus' cookies since I now have their recipe.
I don't use anyone's toilet but mine because a black snake could be lurking under the seat and cause me instant death when it bites my rear end.
I never pick up a coin dropped in a parking lot because it was probably placed there by a sex molester waiting to grab me as I bend over.
I'm thinking of stopping driving my car because buying gas from some companies suports Al Qaeda and buying from all the others supports South American dictators.
I'm still working on e-mailing this to 144,000 people so a large dove with diarrhea won't land on my head at 5:00 PM tomorrow afternoon, and the fleas from 120 camels won't infest my back, causing me to grow a hairy lump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's best friend's beautician.