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Jokes
Jan 4, 2007 12:20:51 GMT -5
Post by elkaholic on Jan 4, 2007 12:20:51 GMT -5
A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him, "Excuse me,can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am." The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, "You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude. She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be a Republican." "I am,"replied the man. "How did you know?" "Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help to me." The man smiled and responded, "You must be a Democrat." "I am," replied the balloonist. "How did you know?" "Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You've risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but, somehow, now it's my fault
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Jokes
Jan 4, 2007 12:21:35 GMT -5
Post by elkaholic on Jan 4, 2007 12:21:35 GMT -5
A woman married three times walked into a bridal shop one day and told the sales clerk that she was looking for a wedding gown for her fourth wedding.
"Of course, madam," replied the sales clerk, "exactly what type and color dress are you looking for?"
The bride to be said: "A long frilly white dress with a veil."
The sales clerk hesitated a bit, then said, "Please don't take this the wrong way, but gowns of that nature are considered more appropriate for brides who are being married the first time - for those who are a bit more innocent, if you know what I mean? Perhaps ivory or sky blue would be nice?"
"Well," replied the customer, a little peeved at the clerk's directness, "I can assure you that a white gown would be quite appropriate. Believe it or not, despite all my marriages, I remain as innocent as any first-time bride You see, my first husband was so excited about our wedding, he died as we were checking into our hotel. My second husband and I got into such a terrible fight in the Limo on our way to our honeymoon that we had that wedding annulled Immediately and never spoke to each other again."
"What about your third husband?" asked the sales clerk.
"That one was a Democrat," said the woman, "and every night for four years, he just sat on the edge of the bed and told me how good it was going to be, but never followed through."
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Jokes
Jan 4, 2007 19:19:24 GMT -5
Post by HC Trapper on Jan 4, 2007 19:19:24 GMT -5
DEMOCRAT OR REPUBLICAN?
Take this little quiz and find out!
1) What is your personal income level? Is it:
- Too much! - Not enough money, but any more would make me evil. - Whatever the government lets me keep. - Money is a tool of the capitalistic overclass which etcetera, etcetera, etcetera. - I have no income. I've rejected money and illegally inhabit a national park.
2) Describe your family:
- I'm married with three kids. Oh, and a live-in transsexual who joins us in our orgies. - The rules of the commune prohibit disclosing personal information. - I don't believe in families. - I don't believe in the word "describe."
3) What is the most politically incorrect thing about Scooby Doo?
- Daphne never does anything but stand around and look pretty. - Scooby was never referred to as a Canine-American. - Velma is such a lesbian stereotype. - Shaggy never shares his marijuana. - "Scooby Snack" reward system encourages mass consumption. - Criminals are actually put in prison.
4) There's this weird drunk hanging out in front of your home. Do you:
- Give him two bucks and think highly of yourself. - Direct him to a government agency that will help him. - Start a government agency that will help him. - Respect his personal choice. - Give Senator Kennedy a ride home.
5) I'm against school vouchers because...
- Bad teachers need jobs too! - The NEA is against it and a labor union certainly wouldn't do anything in its own interest. - A monopoly always yields better results than competition.
6) Bill Clinton's Welfare Reform Policy is:
- A document with "GOP" scribbled out & "Bill's" written in with a fat purple magic marker. - "It's a trap that discourages work & rewards illegitimacy and we're keeping it." - What would you like it to be? - What time is it?
7) Bill Clinton's Official Drug Policy is:
- Whatever the Republicans are currently working on. - A new poster: "Don't Be A Shaggy; Share Your Drugs!" - White House aides using drugs won't be allowed to work unless they're Democrats. - "Just say no to inhaling!" - What would you like it to be? - What time is it?
8) Why do you admire Hillary Clinton?
- Anyone who can make $100K without knowing cattle futures deserves admiring. - The only dead people I can conjure up are Paul Lynde and Redd Foxx. - If only I could lie so convincingly! - Hey! She puts up with Bill! Give her some credit. - We need more strong, intelligent women in prison.
9) What would Bill Clinton have to do for you to not vote for him?
- Develop a big ugly eyestalk in the middle of his forehead. - Appear in a remake of "Bedtime for Bonzo." - Claim to be "more famous than JFK!" - Wear a t-shirt showing a bullet-riddled Snoopy. - Join the Republican party.
10) If Bill and Hillary discovered _________ in Chelsea's room, they would disown her. ONLY ONE ANSWER IS CORRECT.
- Condoms. - Marijuana. - Cocaine. - A videotape with a note: "It was fun! Here's a copy--Rob Lowe" - An antique German lampshade with a registration tattoo on it. - "The Way Things Oughta Be" by Rush Limbaugh.
11) Al Gore's dynamic speech pattern makes him an excellent choice for the position of:
- Vice President. - President. - Governor. - Senator. - Environmental spokesman. - TalkieToy Robot recorded voice. - Kindergarten teacher.
12) Bill Clinton strongly believes in:
- Bill Clinton. - Bill Clinton. - Bill Clinton. - Bill Clinton.
13) There is a logical, believable way that missing Whitewater documents showed up in the White House reading room that adjoins Hillary's office after the administration claimed to have handed over all relevant documents:
- They were being used to line Sock's box. - Time-traveling KGB spies plotting to avenge the fall of communism. - They had been blank sheets of paper until Bill spilled lemon juice on them. - That rascally David Copperfield again! - Hillary had them.
SCORING: None. IF you think this is a humor page, you're a Republican. IF you had a hard time picking the best answer because they're all so true, you're a Democrat.
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Jokes
Jan 4, 2007 20:05:57 GMT -5
Post by Earl8656 on Jan 4, 2007 20:05:57 GMT -5
rotflmfao. At least I know what i am. ;D
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Jokes
Jan 8, 2007 12:11:21 GMT -5
Post by wheelers on Jan 8, 2007 12:11:21 GMT -5
What's worse than a sick cat on your piano? A diseased Beaver on your organ. ;D
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